A blast from The Narrow Way past. First put this up way back in November 2010 when I was still writing the book…time flies! Hope you enjoy!
Writing this blog is scary. I have to say something every day. I don’t want to make a mistake. I don’t want to say anything that’s untrue or misleading.
“Oh my God!” I think some mornings. “I don’t know anything about Buddhism or recovery or gay rights or coming out. What am I doing bringing any of this up anyway?”
Sometimes I worry that I might hit the Publish button too soon and through carelessness hurt someone’s feelings. Or maybe I’ll just say something arrogant or ignorant or reveal too much about myself. Then everyone will see how full of flaws I am.
It’s always like this. It’s always taking one more step into the unknown.
It was like that the morning I came out to my brother and my father. I didn’t really know what was going to happen. I was pretty sure everything was going to be OK but still, there was that lingering doubt.
I was bruised and bleeding from getting my ass kicked the night before. I had kind of deserved it even though that doesn’t take the hate out it.
So I looked at myself in the mirror. That was it. I couldn’t hide any more. I had to stop second guessing myself. I had to finally, once and for all, be wholly authentic. It was like getting up in front of a crowd and tentatively singing those first few bars of the song of me, voice cracking while trying to find the right tune.
Everything turned out OK. I didn’t get booed off the stage. My Dad even said that he’d love me even if I was purple. That made me feel so good.
So here I am today. I’m going to hit Publish soon. I’m going to have faith that I’ve said something at least a little worth while. I’m going to have faith that it’s OK to think, to feel, to speak, to write, to just be me.
And then I’m going to try and live like that all day…