Disappointment

Never give up. No matter what is going on, never give up…

~H.H. the Dalai Lama

Until this morning, I hadn’t heard from my agent in several days. I was worried about her. I was worried about the status of the book, too. There was a big publisher looking at it. They had a meeting about it a couple of weeks ago and we were waiting by our phones and computers for their response. It could have come any minute, any day. A yes wasn’t certain but just the fact that the book had made it this far, to an editor’s desk and then to her review board, was amazing. It was exciting and I have to admit, I let myself fantasize about a dazzling future as a published author.

So when I found out my agent was in the hospital again, I was both relieved and disappointed. Relieved because her health issues are the serious kind, the kind that when I don’t hear from her, I sometimes imagine the worst. But I was disappointed too. Disappointed because my agent told me that because she hadn’t heard anything from the big publisher, she had gone and sent off another round of submissions to other big publishers.

I won’t lie to you. Even though I was (and am) very happy that my friend and agent was alive, and I was (and am) absolutely blown away by her resolve, dedication and fearlessness, I thought about giving up.

“What’s the point,” I thought. “Why keep working towards this dream of being published if we’re only going to come so far only to be rejected or just flat-out ignored?”

But then I stopped and thought about my agent laying in a hospital bed, listening to the doctors tell her they were amazed she was alive, sending out submissions for my book from her smart phone.

So now, I’m thinking it’s going to be OK. I’m not going to run away from the disappointment or pretend it’s not there. I’m going to try use my practice, to stay with this moment and to hold that disappointment in my arms like a child for a while. I’ll hold it till it disappears, like smoke in the wind. Then I’ll pick myself up and start again.

About Chris Lemig

In 2007 I finally came out to family and friends as being gay. After twenty-three years of drug and alcohol addiction, I got sober, picked up a book on Buddhism then promptly bought a plane ticket to India. The Narrow Way is the story of how all that came to be.
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