Sobriety keeps me humble. There are times when I still get cocky but, for the most part, that is kept in check by the knowledge that I could fall again at any time.
I used to think I was invincible. I remember one night coming out of a black out haze to the tune of a fat line of cocaine. Someone handed me a pocket full of muscle relaxers and vicodin. They looked like a pile of jelly beans and I swallowed them down with a cackle and a growl. I don’t remember much after that except for falling down on the floor alot. That was arrogance. That was not giving a shit about the consequences of my actions or the people who loved and cared about me.
But what I found out, after many hammer blows to the head, is that I’m not invincible. I am fallible. I am full of flaws that are scattered like gold dust through my strengths. I think that realizing that allows me to have a deeper, more authentic experience of life now. I can be truly engaged in experiences and people without the bloated ego getting in the way with all its uncertainty and fear. Instead, I can enjoy this delicious muffin and cup of mate and the frozen air under these cold mountains.
This is not naive. This is not dancing on a pink cloud. I try to remind myself every day how brutal the world is, how much suffering fills it up. I know too, that the rug could be pulled out from under my feet at any moment. But for now, I have so much, so much…